Grief and Loss Sucks
Two individuals consoling each other.
“We bereaved are not alone. We belong to the largest company in all the world - the company of those who have known sufferring.”
- Helen Keller, “We Bereaved”
I remember having this fairytale fantasy that when a person or family member dies everyone mourns their loss for a brief moment and then we go on and live our life remembering how great that person was. It was as if everyone felt sad for such a small period of time and then moved on. But, what I learned when I experienced my own losses is that loss hurts. It was extremely painful and everything in my life changed. It lasted a long time and it wasn’t brief how I imagined it.
The reality is that even when death is expected, death and loss is still a surprise. Your entire life changes. The pain is difficult and the people in your life try to use slogans or phrases to cheer you up when they only make you feel worse or dismissed. I can remember the time when someone told me “Well, just know that he is in a better place now.” While they had good intentions, I felt very angry with them. I thought to myself, “No! If they truly were in a better place that would be right here with us.” This kind of cheerleading doesn’t solve anything, it makes you feel like no one understands the amount of pain you are experiencing. It sometimes even makes you feel like you should ‘be over it already’. Grief is experienced in a variety of ways and there is no right or wrong way to grieve.
The grief that you are experiencing, as painful as it is, is love. When we are truly comforted by someone in our grief we are allowed to sit in our pain, to be heard, and to reflect on the reality of our loss without diminishing or dismissing it. Some symptoms of grief may include anger, isolation, feeling as though life is not worth living, increased substance use, increased sleep, loss of appetite, diminished interest in hobbies, or physical symptoms (headaches, stomachaches, etc.). Here are a few things to do when experiencing grief.
Know that it is okay to not feel okay. Everyone grieves differently. Sit with your emotions and allow yourself to fully experience them.
Journal
Maintain a basic routine. Go to sleep and wake up at the same time each day, shower, brush your teeth, eat regular meals each day.
Turn to friends and family that can provide true comfort and do not dismiss your pain.
Get outside and move your body.
Ask for help. Ask for a family member or friend to come over and watch your kids for the day while you rest. Ask someone to do your laundry, make you a few meals, or take your pet for a weekend.
Say No to events that may trigger your pain. Maybe you say no to spending time with your family during the holidays because it amplifies your pain. It is okay to say no.
Seek therapy or join a support group.
No matter the type of loss (retirement, death of a loved one, pet loss, loss of job, etc.) please know there is support for you. We are hear to support you on your healing journey. If you would like to get started, visit out Contact Page to schedule a phone consultation.
Below are additional grief resources.